“There’s a vibe,” as Terry puts it in her retelling, and the three of them go to Terry’s hotel room for sex. The other swoops in and pretends to be a total stranger. One man warms her up, flatters her, buys her drinks, and dances with her. The two men see Terry walking down the street by herself and separate from each other immediately. But what the audience witnesses is two men who set a trap and prey on Terry because she’s a foreigner. In episode three, Terry has a “spontaneous threesome” in Italy. While the threesome never happened, if it had, Simon and Alissa would both be guilty of stealing consent from Kat. In episode two, it’s revealed that Simon has been cheating on Kat with Alissa for six months, and that he faked the threesome hook-up for Kat so that Alissa could meet her competition. He chooses Alissa, a woman Kat believes Simon met on a dating app, to make their threesome happen. In the pilot, Arabella’s friend Simon is planning a threesome with his long-time girlfriend Kat, who is excited by the prospect. In each event, the survivors are willingly engaging in sex, but it’s not enough for the perpetrators. I May Destroy You offers at least four examples of rape that prove it’s an act of power rather than desire. It’s on men to teach other men and boys in their communities not to rape and not to perpetuate rape culture. Chances are high that everyone knows a rapist. While many men would say they don’t know any rapists, these terrifying statistics tell a different story. The Justice Department reports that nearly 80 percent of rapes go unreported. These are just the statistics of people who have reported being raped. Similarly, more than half of men have been raped by someone they know, and 15 percent have been raped by a stranger. More than half of women have reported being raped by a spouse or intimate partner, and 41 percent by an acquaintance. The CDC reports that 1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men have been raped in their lifetimes. Rape culture also punishes and silences survivors for speaking out about what rapists have done. This creates an environment where rape is normalized and it’s on people to protect themselves from rape. Questions like: What were you wearing? Why were you out at that hour? Why did you take that drink? Why did you have sex with a stranger? put the blame on the victim of rape instead of the person/people who rape. In episode seven, Terry is ignorant of Kwame’s rape and jokes with him, saying, “Besides Arabella, Black people don’t get raped.” It’s a shockingly anti-Black moment of rape culture that shows Terry’s failure to see Black people (including herself) as victims.
Instead, the officer blames, embarrasses, and shames Kwame for using a hook-up app, and for not knowing the name of the man who raped him. The male police officer is homophobic and incapable of listening to or empathizing with Kwame’s experience. Kwame is also doubly victimized when he goes to the police to report the rape he survived. When Arabella tells her non-committed lover Biagio about being raped, he shames and victim-blames her, saying, “If you had watched your drink, you wouldn’t have gotten raped.” Rape culture is also on display in the aftermath of these two rapes. She shouldn’t be this drunk she shouldn’t be this high, the stares communicate. She’s met with judging looks and people who actively move out of her way to avoid interacting with her. When Arabella is drugged, we see her staggering around inside the bar, with people watching her and not intervening.
The two have consensual sex, but when Kwame tries to leave, his hook-up overpowers him, blocks the door, and forces him on the bed, while Kwame repeatedly says “no” and tries to leave. In episode four, Kwame is raped while on a Grindr hook-up. When she is later penetrated in a bathroom stall, her memory of the attack returns only in violent flashes of a man standing over her, staring down at her. When Arabella is drugged in the pilot, she is incapacitated and incapable of giving consent. Rape is not an act of sexual desire it’s an act of power. Rape is an inherently violent sexual activity that occurs when a victim does not give consent to the activity. If you can accept that truth-that men who see themselves as “good,” “well-intentioned,” “nice” people can violate consent and do serious physical and emotional damage to others-then you might be ready for the hard lessons that I May Destroy You serves up. That’s the uncomfortable truth that I May Destroy You magnifies. Even victims can go on to victimize others. There is no “kind” of person who is capable of rape, assault, or coercing consent. There are no “good” or “evil” people in I May Destroy You, in the same way that real life holds space for people who rape and abuse to have family, friends, colleagues-and even victims-who love and respect them.
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